Day 233
Yesterday was Friday, and I really like Fridays. I like Fridays even better when it's before a week off of work, but I'll take my weekends as they come. What's even better about this Friday was that I actually slept for a beautifully, undisturbed eight hours straight. The lavender linen spray I've been using must finally be working. Either that, or my body was just so exhausted, it took full advantage of having an empty house. I spent the evening trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I found a program in forensic psychology with a specialization in psychology and legal systems. It's a far reach from school counseling, but I want to help people, and the school systems across the nation are taking such huge hits I don't know that I'll be able to get into the field. I have some time to figure it all out I suppose, but I've always liked having a plan. So the day went by relatively quickly at work, I had dinner with my awesome husband at his new station, and then I spent the evening in bed with my laptop dreaming of what is to come...
Day 232
Caffeine is an evil necessasity, and I haven't had any yet. But in about 20 minutes I won't have a quiet house anymore in which to relay my thoughts semi-coherently. All I have for homework is responding to some discussion questions, and then I'm looking forward to spending the day with my men. But the real fun comes tonight...my husband and I have agreed to let our little man have a sleep over. So I will have a six almost 7 year old AND a 9 year old in my house for the evening. I really hope patience shows up for this little endeavor, she'd really be the guest of honor. For now, I need coffee. Perhaps I'll find a little quiet corner later to write more. I have much that I need to figure out.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day 234
So it's been about 110 days since my last post. 10 days after my last post, I started my new job. Compared to what I was making previously I took about a $10k pay cut, but guess what? I'm loving my new job AND it's in my field! Hope finally evolved into motivation. It was a fine day that I never thought would arrive. Motivation is my support for the days I'm really missing being home with my amazingly supportive family and putting up with stresses at work. Reading back through my first 21 days of being 29, I long for the creativity that used to come so easily in my words. It's been a hell of an adjustment period, this last 110 days that I've been absent! I'm back in the wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, do homework, try to relax with my men, and then off to bed mode. It seems a never ending cycle, and it can be trying at times..that and it sucks every ounce of energy I have.
On a separate but related note, school is going well. I'm happy to announce that I will have my bachelor's in pscyhology with a concentration in graduate studies no later than January 2011! Hopefully, I will have it before I'm 30 (by November), but if not, I'm happy either way. It was kind of a shock to me when I found this news out earlier this week; as I've just been plucking away and registering for whatever I could after each set of clsses ends. So now onto the next big thing. My masters......which eludes to part of the reason I have the urge to see my thoughts via my blog again.
I have way too much on my plate right now. While adjusting to work (and with an unruly, abrasive, and rude coworker), I'm trying to maintain the positive attitude I had when it was only hope moving me forward. Now that hope has evolved into motivation, I feel that my hunger for more has exceeded my fill capacity once again. A couple of old friends, anxiety, insomnia, and nightmares have returned this past week. Anxiety just kind of lurks in the shadows while insomnia and nightmares try to party with me every night. I don't know if it was the shock that I'm about to hit another milestone on my list of goals, or just the additional stress that is about to ensue. Maybe it's the constant juggling act I feel I run through every single day? All of the above? Either way, sleep is avoiding me at all costs, as if I have uncurable body odor, and it can't stand to be around me. So tonight I'll spray my lavender and vanilla linen spray on my bed and hope I can trick sleep into thinking I smell good again....
On a separate but related note, school is going well. I'm happy to announce that I will have my bachelor's in pscyhology with a concentration in graduate studies no later than January 2011! Hopefully, I will have it before I'm 30 (by November), but if not, I'm happy either way. It was kind of a shock to me when I found this news out earlier this week; as I've just been plucking away and registering for whatever I could after each set of clsses ends. So now onto the next big thing. My masters......which eludes to part of the reason I have the urge to see my thoughts via my blog again.
I have way too much on my plate right now. While adjusting to work (and with an unruly, abrasive, and rude coworker), I'm trying to maintain the positive attitude I had when it was only hope moving me forward. Now that hope has evolved into motivation, I feel that my hunger for more has exceeded my fill capacity once again. A couple of old friends, anxiety, insomnia, and nightmares have returned this past week. Anxiety just kind of lurks in the shadows while insomnia and nightmares try to party with me every night. I don't know if it was the shock that I'm about to hit another milestone on my list of goals, or just the additional stress that is about to ensue. Maybe it's the constant juggling act I feel I run through every single day? All of the above? Either way, sleep is avoiding me at all costs, as if I have uncurable body odor, and it can't stand to be around me. So tonight I'll spray my lavender and vanilla linen spray on my bed and hope I can trick sleep into thinking I smell good again....
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 344
So a week has gone by since my last post. I really thought I would have more of a relationship with time but tis a new year now, and I'm hoping to rebuild that structure with her. She seems so fleeting it's hard to tie her down into a neat tidy schedule. But alas, today she is here with me as we both wait patiently for my husband to text or call me after yet another big fire. Still no word on the paperwork yet for the new job, and to be honest, I really wasn't expecting them to call while they were on break, which I said before. It's ok. I have good feelings for 2010. I really do. My relationship with my son is awesome, and my marriage is stronger than ever. I have wonderful friends and family, and my cup of hope is bubbling again.
Today I fully plan on enjoying a relaxing day with my beautiful blue eyed angel of a son. This may be one of our last mommy and Lil Man days since I hope to be starting work soon. One thing I know for sure, my husband and I are happy the holidays are over. IT's awesome to watch our little boy's face light up as he unwraps each treasure, but the added stress of family visits etc has finally, and thankfully, ended.
Which leads me to thinking about some people in my life I have come to the conclusion I will never understand; and that make me even more thankful of the relationship I have with my husband. In fact, thought it's on my mind, I don't even think I'll talk about them. I wil just say that I hope they get their act together, find a happy place, and quit yo-yoing their kids through their own emotional turmoil.
So what will 2010 bring for us? A new career for me hopefully, less stress, more financial stability, and a great year with my two men. So yes, hope is bubbling over, refreshed and ready to face any challenges that come her way...
Today I fully plan on enjoying a relaxing day with my beautiful blue eyed angel of a son. This may be one of our last mommy and Lil Man days since I hope to be starting work soon. One thing I know for sure, my husband and I are happy the holidays are over. IT's awesome to watch our little boy's face light up as he unwraps each treasure, but the added stress of family visits etc has finally, and thankfully, ended.
Which leads me to thinking about some people in my life I have come to the conclusion I will never understand; and that make me even more thankful of the relationship I have with my husband. In fact, thought it's on my mind, I don't even think I'll talk about them. I wil just say that I hope they get their act together, find a happy place, and quit yo-yoing their kids through their own emotional turmoil.
So what will 2010 bring for us? A new career for me hopefully, less stress, more financial stability, and a great year with my two men. So yes, hope is bubbling over, refreshed and ready to face any challenges that come her way...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Day 351
So days 353 and 352 eluded me with Christmas coming to town. Was a hectic 2 days, but was so worth it. Lil man had a fantastic couple days, and I revelled in watching him in his innocent happiness. Santa even came to see hubby and I, and brought us an espresso machine! (Thank god for grandparents!) Though I feel like I've done nothing but eat for the past two days, today I look forward to a day of relaxation, and an empty house except for my two boys. Time has been a tornado in my house the last few days, so I'm thinking today that she'll get some rest. My cup of hope is still filling as I'm trying to be patience's friend while waiting on the call from my new job telling me that I'm OK to start on the 4th. Realistically, I'm not holding my breath because if I were on break I wouldn't be working at all. Right now rent is going to be paid, and as long as I start and get paid before the car payment is due, I should be all right.
So patience and I hold hands, and hope winks at me from the coffee table. Looking at my two boys smiling and playing, anxiety finds herself in an awkward place and decides to leave. An old friend, contentment fills the air in this house today. We'll see what adventures tomorrow brings......
So patience and I hold hands, and hope winks at me from the coffee table. Looking at my two boys smiling and playing, anxiety finds herself in an awkward place and decides to leave. An old friend, contentment fills the air in this house today. We'll see what adventures tomorrow brings......
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Days 355 & 354
Day 355
Yesterday was a migraine day, and I mean migraine day. Not sure if it was stress or what, but it was a doozy regardless. Hope began bubbling again yesterday, to no avail. No call yet. I'm waiting patiently, as patience is trying to make peace with me considering she's never been around in my life before. All in all day number 355 was pretty uneventful.
Day 356
Patience has eluded me today. For whatever reason anxious thought she'd pay me a visit. I think I'm just overly tired though. One more day and it's Christmas eve, and then Christmas. I can't wait for Christmas. The look on a child's face who still believes in Santa that opens up the gift he wanted most is priceless. It's a picture I'll carry with me until the next year. My little boy is so special in so many ways; I'm so happy that he's getting everything he wanted, even if it's a small list! The cup of hope is still filling nicely, as my book loan was approved and I got a little extra on my candle paycheck. At least I know we'll be ok for rent now, so that's a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. Other than that, another uneventful day of waiting.....and shaking of anxious, she's a bit annoying.
Yesterday was a migraine day, and I mean migraine day. Not sure if it was stress or what, but it was a doozy regardless. Hope began bubbling again yesterday, to no avail. No call yet. I'm waiting patiently, as patience is trying to make peace with me considering she's never been around in my life before. All in all day number 355 was pretty uneventful.
Day 356
Patience has eluded me today. For whatever reason anxious thought she'd pay me a visit. I think I'm just overly tired though. One more day and it's Christmas eve, and then Christmas. I can't wait for Christmas. The look on a child's face who still believes in Santa that opens up the gift he wanted most is priceless. It's a picture I'll carry with me until the next year. My little boy is so special in so many ways; I'm so happy that he's getting everything he wanted, even if it's a small list! The cup of hope is still filling nicely, as my book loan was approved and I got a little extra on my candle paycheck. At least I know we'll be ok for rent now, so that's a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. Other than that, another uneventful day of waiting.....and shaking of anxious, she's a bit annoying.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Day 357 & 356
357
Cookies, cookies, and more cookies! Yesterday was fun, there was singing and dancing around the kitchen listening to Christmas music. Despite hope starting to fill up again making me a bit anxious about the messes she makes, it was a great day. Trying to stay focused on Christmas or any big event in that matter is a bit difficult when you have things weighing heavily on your shoulders. Will my book loan drop? Will they call me this week so I can start my job on the 4th? Will we have enough money for rent?? Those questions plague me like an overweight shadow. Yet I find myself just pushing forward.
356
Woke up today and there's frost on the ground! It was only 29 degrees here! Yay! It finally feels like winter! Though I know better than to assume it's here to stay. This is South Carolina. By Thursday it's supposed to be 64 degrees again and rainy. Bah humbug I say! I miss my four seasons. I miss my friends and family back home. Beyond what troubles me in the back of my mind already, this is always a hard time of year for me. I'm grateful for my mom and everything we get to share each year. I wouldn't really trade it, except to have her AND my friends and family back home near. It saddens me a bit to think of the relationship as distant as it is between my dad and son. He loves his Papa so much! As time passes, I also have that faint worry about something happening to my dad and not being able to get there. Morbid I know especially to be thinking about 4 days before Christmas; but I can't help think of the people I left behind in MN this time of year. I miss them terrible. Especially my sanctuary when I would get stressed out. I could hide away at dad's for the weekend and just let it ride, mull things over, and come out ok by the end of the weekend.
Time goes by so fast. I realized it's precious and we have to make the most of it. Today when the Lil Man awakens, mom will head over and we'll all finish off the baking extravaganza that is cookie baking. So reflection snuck in quietly for a visit, and I'll keep in mind it will be her branding today's memories into my thoughts.
Cookies, cookies, and more cookies! Yesterday was fun, there was singing and dancing around the kitchen listening to Christmas music. Despite hope starting to fill up again making me a bit anxious about the messes she makes, it was a great day. Trying to stay focused on Christmas or any big event in that matter is a bit difficult when you have things weighing heavily on your shoulders. Will my book loan drop? Will they call me this week so I can start my job on the 4th? Will we have enough money for rent?? Those questions plague me like an overweight shadow. Yet I find myself just pushing forward.
356
Woke up today and there's frost on the ground! It was only 29 degrees here! Yay! It finally feels like winter! Though I know better than to assume it's here to stay. This is South Carolina. By Thursday it's supposed to be 64 degrees again and rainy. Bah humbug I say! I miss my four seasons. I miss my friends and family back home. Beyond what troubles me in the back of my mind already, this is always a hard time of year for me. I'm grateful for my mom and everything we get to share each year. I wouldn't really trade it, except to have her AND my friends and family back home near. It saddens me a bit to think of the relationship as distant as it is between my dad and son. He loves his Papa so much! As time passes, I also have that faint worry about something happening to my dad and not being able to get there. Morbid I know especially to be thinking about 4 days before Christmas; but I can't help think of the people I left behind in MN this time of year. I miss them terrible. Especially my sanctuary when I would get stressed out. I could hide away at dad's for the weekend and just let it ride, mull things over, and come out ok by the end of the weekend.
Time goes by so fast. I realized it's precious and we have to make the most of it. Today when the Lil Man awakens, mom will head over and we'll all finish off the baking extravaganza that is cookie baking. So reflection snuck in quietly for a visit, and I'll keep in mind it will be her branding today's memories into my thoughts.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Day 359 & 358
Day 359
So Time had her way with me again yesterday. She snickered at me all day long. Ok maybe she didn't but I felt the need to be completely absorbed in something I enjoy all day versus looking at my situation and trying to figure it out. I needed yesterday to be a completely chill day for my sanity and for our Christmas's sake. I also patched up my cup of hope and slowly started to refill it yesterday..cleaned up the mess it left when it combusted and patched up the wounds it made on my heart. We have bits and pieces of a plan to get us through, so that's good. Still waiting on the paper to get mailed to my new job so I can start as soon as possible. Who knew SLED checks would take so long with all the amazing technology we have today? So yesterday came and went, and time sat quietly in her corner, allowing me some peace and quiet...some serenity....and some time to heal up a bit.
Day 358
Today I woke up in a panic. I thought Lil Man was late for school, hubby was late for work, and I was in a rush. Only to realize in my half dreamt haze that hubby was already at work and going to be coming home in a few hours, Lil Man was laying beside me, and they didn't leave me behind and rush off on me this morning. Oh yea, and then I realized it was Saturday and that Lil Man was already on winter break. I could safely go back to sleep as it was only FIVE AM! Oh, and by the way, that sleeping in until 8AM thing was a joke for those two days only, I was up at 7 with Lil Man as normal this whole week. Though I did realize something today in my scalding hot shower this morning...I've now migrated from being able to function off one cup of coffee a day, to needing two. Does this progressively become more as the days/weeks/months/years go on? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
My cup of hope is eyeing me from the coffee table as if to say, "When are you going to fill me up again?" I wish I knew the answer. I know they say the more you get your hopes up, the bigger the disappointment, but I guess today I just look back at my cup and ponder...It may be a while. Time has decided to be my friend today and let me heal up some more, and gratefulness is trying to make her presence known again, but like hope, I eye her wearily and wonder when she's going to get finnicky on me too. So trust abandoned me in the grand scheme of things, and now I'm just a bit gun shy. It will come back though. I know it will. I will survive, I will become stronger, and now I look at my cup of hope knowing that she'll be full again soon enough.
So Time had her way with me again yesterday. She snickered at me all day long. Ok maybe she didn't but I felt the need to be completely absorbed in something I enjoy all day versus looking at my situation and trying to figure it out. I needed yesterday to be a completely chill day for my sanity and for our Christmas's sake. I also patched up my cup of hope and slowly started to refill it yesterday..cleaned up the mess it left when it combusted and patched up the wounds it made on my heart. We have bits and pieces of a plan to get us through, so that's good. Still waiting on the paper to get mailed to my new job so I can start as soon as possible. Who knew SLED checks would take so long with all the amazing technology we have today? So yesterday came and went, and time sat quietly in her corner, allowing me some peace and quiet...some serenity....and some time to heal up a bit.
Day 358
Today I woke up in a panic. I thought Lil Man was late for school, hubby was late for work, and I was in a rush. Only to realize in my half dreamt haze that hubby was already at work and going to be coming home in a few hours, Lil Man was laying beside me, and they didn't leave me behind and rush off on me this morning. Oh yea, and then I realized it was Saturday and that Lil Man was already on winter break. I could safely go back to sleep as it was only FIVE AM! Oh, and by the way, that sleeping in until 8AM thing was a joke for those two days only, I was up at 7 with Lil Man as normal this whole week. Though I did realize something today in my scalding hot shower this morning...I've now migrated from being able to function off one cup of coffee a day, to needing two. Does this progressively become more as the days/weeks/months/years go on? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
My cup of hope is eyeing me from the coffee table as if to say, "When are you going to fill me up again?" I wish I knew the answer. I know they say the more you get your hopes up, the bigger the disappointment, but I guess today I just look back at my cup and ponder...It may be a while. Time has decided to be my friend today and let me heal up some more, and gratefulness is trying to make her presence known again, but like hope, I eye her wearily and wonder when she's going to get finnicky on me too. So trust abandoned me in the grand scheme of things, and now I'm just a bit gun shy. It will come back though. I know it will. I will survive, I will become stronger, and now I look at my cup of hope knowing that she'll be full again soon enough.
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