Day 351

So days 353 and 352 eluded me with Christmas coming to town. Was a hectic 2 days, but was so worth it. Lil man had a fantastic couple days, and I revelled in watching him in his innocent happiness. Santa even came to see hubby and I, and brought us an espresso machine! (Thank god for grandparents!) Though I feel like I've done nothing but eat for the past two days, today I look forward to a day of relaxation, and an empty house except for my two boys. Time has been a tornado in my house the last few days, so I'm thinking today that she'll get some rest. My cup of hope is still filling as I'm trying to be patience's friend while waiting on the call from my new job telling me that I'm OK to start on the 4th. Realistically, I'm not holding my breath because if I were on break I wouldn't be working at all. Right now rent is going to be paid, and as long as I start and get paid before the car payment is due, I should be all right.

So patience and I hold hands, and hope winks at me from the coffee table. Looking at my two boys smiling and playing, anxiety finds herself in an awkward place and decides to leave. An old friend, contentment fills the air in this house today. We'll see what adventures tomorrow brings......

Days 355 & 354

Day 355

Yesterday was a migraine day, and I mean migraine day. Not sure if it was stress or what, but it was a doozy regardless. Hope began bubbling again yesterday, to no avail. No call yet. I'm waiting patiently, as patience is trying to make peace with me considering she's never been around in my life before. All in all day number 355 was pretty uneventful.

Day 356

Patience has eluded me today. For whatever reason anxious thought she'd pay me a visit. I think I'm just overly tired though. One more day and it's Christmas eve, and then Christmas. I can't wait for Christmas. The look on a child's face who still believes in Santa that opens up the gift he wanted most is priceless. It's a picture I'll carry with me until the next year. My little boy is so special in so many ways; I'm so happy that he's getting everything he wanted, even if it's a small list! The cup of hope is still filling nicely, as my book loan was approved and I got a little extra on my candle paycheck. At least I know we'll be ok for rent now, so that's a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. Other than that, another uneventful day of waiting.....and shaking of anxious, she's a bit annoying.

Day 357 & 356

357
Cookies, cookies, and more cookies! Yesterday was fun, there was singing and dancing around the kitchen listening to Christmas music. Despite hope starting to fill up again making me a bit anxious about the messes she makes, it was a great day. Trying to stay focused on Christmas or any big event in that matter is a bit difficult when you have things weighing heavily on your shoulders. Will my book loan drop? Will they call me this week so I can start my job on the 4th? Will we have enough money for rent?? Those questions plague me like an overweight shadow. Yet I find myself just pushing forward.

356
Woke up today and there's frost on the ground! It was only 29 degrees here! Yay! It finally feels like winter! Though I know better than to assume it's here to stay. This is South Carolina. By Thursday it's supposed to be 64 degrees again and rainy. Bah humbug I say! I miss my four seasons. I miss my friends and family back home. Beyond what troubles me in the back of my mind already, this is always a hard time of year for me. I'm grateful for my mom and everything we get to share each year. I wouldn't really trade it, except to have her AND my friends and family back home near. It saddens me a bit to think of the relationship as distant as it is between my dad and son. He loves his Papa so much! As time passes, I also have that faint worry about something happening to my dad and not being able to get there. Morbid I know especially to be thinking about 4 days before Christmas; but I can't help think of the people I left behind in MN this time of year. I miss them terrible. Especially my sanctuary when I would get stressed out. I could hide away at dad's for the weekend and just let it ride, mull things over, and come out ok by the end of the weekend.

Time goes by so fast. I realized it's precious and we have to make the most of it. Today when the Lil Man awakens, mom will head over and we'll all finish off the baking extravaganza that is cookie baking. So reflection snuck in quietly for a visit, and I'll keep in mind it will be her branding today's memories into my thoughts.

Day 359 & 358

Day 359

So Time had her way with me again yesterday. She snickered at me all day long. Ok maybe she didn't but I felt the need to be completely absorbed in something I enjoy all day versus looking at my situation and trying to figure it out. I needed yesterday to be a completely chill day for my sanity and for our Christmas's sake. I also patched up my cup of hope and slowly started to refill it yesterday..cleaned up the mess it left when it combusted and patched up the wounds it made on my heart. We have bits and pieces of a plan to get us through, so that's good. Still waiting on the paper to get mailed to my new job so I can start as soon as possible. Who knew SLED checks would take so long with all the amazing technology we have today? So yesterday came and went, and time sat quietly in her corner, allowing me some peace and quiet...some serenity....and some time to heal up a bit.

Day 358

Today I woke up in a panic. I thought Lil Man was late for school, hubby was late for work, and I was in a rush. Only to realize in my half dreamt haze that hubby was already at work and going to be coming home in a few hours, Lil Man was laying beside me, and they didn't leave me behind and rush off on me this morning. Oh yea, and then I realized it was Saturday and that Lil Man was already on winter break. I could safely go back to sleep as it was only FIVE AM! Oh, and by the way, that sleeping in until 8AM thing was a joke for those two days only, I was up at 7 with Lil Man as normal this whole week. Though I did realize something today in my scalding hot shower this morning...I've now migrated from being able to function off one cup of coffee a day, to needing two. Does this progressively become more as the days/weeks/months/years go on? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

My cup of hope is eyeing me from the coffee table as if to say, "When are you going to fill me up again?" I wish I knew the answer. I know they say the more you get your hopes up, the bigger the disappointment, but I guess today I just look back at my cup and ponder...It may be a while. Time has decided to be my friend today and let me heal up some more, and gratefulness is trying to make her presence known again, but like hope, I eye her wearily and wonder when she's going to get finnicky on me too. So trust abandoned me in the grand scheme of things, and now I'm just a bit gun shy. It will come back though. I know it will. I will survive, I will become stronger, and now I look at my cup of hope knowing that she'll be full again soon enough.

360

The cup of hope dried, in fact it spontaneously combusted today. Nothing like setting someone's expectations for one thing and then kicking them in the teeth. Yes, I still got the job, but I was counting on a refund disbursement from my financial aid to push us through until I got that first paycheck. After speaking with two different people I was told it would be here the end of this month, and after checking today, I'm being told it will not be until the end of next month. So here comes the panic of trying to get money together for rent, car insurance and the other bills we have at the beginning of the month.

I know I should focus on the fact that I will be starting work soon, and I'm grateful for that, but grateful does not outweigh panic. In fact they're no where near the same weight class. The first thing I thought about was the look on my son's face if I had to return the presents I just so happily bought him yesterday. I couldn't bare it. So I am forced to figure something out. Is there a way to get blood from a stone or sell a body part for a money tree? Today it feels like two steps forward ten steps back. Can I just wake up from this dream please?

Day362 & 361

Time. It's an elusive friend of mine. Seems when I'm waiting for something time is all I have. But once I stop waiting, time flees from me and hides within the shadows of my day. Yesterday time was successful at elduing me as I didn't have time to blog. Jayk was at work, so it was just Lil Man and I. One would think with a husband at work and a child at school, I would have had much time to reflect on what was my 362nd day. This was not the case. Luckily, since I got the job, what little bit of our Christmas savings was spared and I got to go shopping for Lil Man. It's great having only one child not only because then you only have to buy one child presents, but because if raised correctly, that only child doesn't become a spoiled brat. Thankfully, I have an awesome boy. I got everything on his list for $100. How cool is that!? Now grandma and grandpa "Santa" are getting his one big ticket item this year. (Notice, there's only one?) So he will be set. There's nothing like seeing my little boy's huge blue eyes light up when he opens a present. He is truly grateful for the things he has and has taken care of his toys. So day 362 came and went in a blur, ending with my son and I cuddling on the couch watching Charlie Brown's Christmas Special...and time sat quietly in the corner snickering at us.

Day 361
Woke up with another god forsaken sinus headache. Mucinex-D and an Excedrin migraine, and I'm off to get wrapping paper, bows, and one last thing for my sunshine. Today time can snicker all she wants, but I have my husband today. So love warms my heart. He's truly my rock and my better half all wrapped into one. Today is a day of planning and dreaming, and I'm so lucky to have him to do that with. I plan on making the most of it in every way, as I only have two weeks left before I go back to work. I will try to remember to hold on to these times and cherish them so that when I'm 6 months to a year or ten into my new job and wishing I was home, I can remember all the time I did spend at home with my boys, and truly be thankful for my evenings and weekends with my beautiful family. Today daydreams, happiness, and planning accompany my cup full of hope, and time will just have to wait.

Day 363

Hope overflowed mixed with excitement, gratitude, and dreams becoming a reality all over my metaphorical coffee table today; and there's no way I'm cleaning up the mess. Day 363 is the mark of a new beginning. It's not a huge salary, and it's certainly not in the best neighborhood, but it's a door opening into the career field I've studied in for so long. It's an opportunity to gain experience in the world of academia. I'm excited, nervous, and just a tiny bit sad I won't be a stay at home mom much longer. I'm lucky enough to have two supportive men in my life that are very happy for me. So overall, I'm extremely grateful. After six months, I finally have a job! I start in a little over two weeks pending all of the paperwork from DSS is received.

My celebration of this great event in my life is mostly an internal one, regardless of how badly I'd like to go out to dinner with my two awesome men, and even my mom. God knows how supportive they've been through all of this jobless void I've been living in for the past 6 months..which leads me to think about all the wonderful people I'm so grateful for in my life. I have friends I haven't met that I feel closer to most days than ones I actually see. They make me smile, offer support, and are genuinely happy and sad for and with me on any given basis. They know who they are, but they'll never know how much they mean to me.

So day 363 we get check one thing off my life to-do list. I say "we" because without the people I love and am more than grateful for in my life, I would not be able to check this one off. They've listened to me whine when I didn't want to do homework, pushed me through the tough stuff, and supported me 110% along the way. I doubt if I would have continued on without everyone cheering me on; sad as that may sound it's true.

It's funny how one event as minor as it may be in the grand scheme of things evokes so many different emotions and thoughts. I look back sometimes and see this girl and all the chaos and mess she used to be. Sometimes she looks at me with eyes so sullen almost engulfing me into them trapping me in that past with her. Today she looked at me with relief in her eyes, as if to say "Finally...you're getting there. It's almost time to let me go." So maybe I started late with college, marriage, and my career....but today I'm grateful I got to start.

Day 364

When I came into this world 29 years ago, my mom couldn't have been happier than to finally have her baby girl after having 3 amazing boys. I'm sure she wasn't prepared for all the gray hairs and twists and turns my life has given me and her as well. As I woke up on my 29th birthday yesterday, I couldn't help but contemplate my life some. I'm 364 days away from being 30, I've been married for a year and have a beautiful six year old little boy. I've got an associate's degree in Human Services Management, and am still in school for my bachelor's in psychology with a concentration in graduate studies. I'm currently jobless, minus my direct sales position as a candle consultant, and I have yet to break into a career in the field I'm studying for.

So, I've got to thinking. At 29 am I really starting late? Or has it really all just begun for me? I am no where near owning my first home, I'm not in my career field yet; but I have an awesome family and I'm deeply in love with my husband. Money's tight, happiness is high, and hope is like an overflowing cup sitting on my coffee table. There was nothing better than waking up to little arms around my neck yesterday and a soft, sweet voice saying "Happy birthday mommy...I love you.." Instead of a grand celebration kissing my 20s goodbye, I opted to stay home with my husband and son and relax all day long. This was my first indication I was getting older. I had not a drop of alcohol, and no craving for one either. I only found all these thoughts in my head swirling around, and decided I needed an outlet. Thirty is a milestone for me, though I'm not sure why. Maybe it's all the hoopla everyone makes it out to be. Maybe it's just the fact that I would have liked to have more accomplished by now. Maybe I just need a place to tell stories about my day to help me put it all into perspective when I feel like things are getting out of whack......Why not have something to reflect on this last year of my twenties? Something to look back on, reflect on, and probably laugh at.

So day 364 begins. I woke up before both of my boys, later than usual (8:00AM) yes, that is late for me. I took my shower, dried my hair, got dressed and the bums were still sleeping. Usually our house is up and moving no later than 7:30AM. I thought to myself "guess this is the beginning of a new year for me..might I actually sleep in later as I get older again?" I really thought those days had ended the day I brought my little burrito home from the hospital. Yes, I just referred to my son as a burrito because that's what he looked like when he was all wrapped up as a newborn. So sleeping in late (8:00AM is late for me remember), this may not be so bad! I'm really not fooling myself though. I know better. It's just a rarity...we'll see. Next on the agenda was coffee...I never used to like coffee and rely on it in the mornings...another mark of my years. Though, there could be worse things to rely on first thing in the morning...at least I don't need my glasses to get out of bed yet.

So anyway, Thinking I was going to be able to sneak downstairs and start this little blogging venture of mine, both of the bums, I mean boys, finally woke up and instead of being frustrated for losing my peace and quiet, I found myself as happy to hear their voices as they were to give me hugs and 'good mornings'. Now I listen to their playful banter (most who know me realize this is code for thinking I have not one but TWO six year olds at times) and I realize life is good.

Tomorrow's Monday, and usually I'm not that thrilled about Mondays. It marks the beginning of errands and running around. But tomorrow's Monday has my cup of hope on my coffee table boiling and overflowing and making a grand mess. Tomorrow is the day I hope to hear some really good news.....that I get a job offer for a position I interviewed for one week ago. I was hoping I would have heard something by Friday, but I know the process can take some time, and I'm holding on to the fact that they took the time to have me do a background check; which they don't do for all applicants. It's a job in my field. Is it a huge career job? Probably not, in fact, definitely not. BUT, it would be the first open door, the first sign of my goals coming to life, the beginning of the path I've chosen career wise for myself. After a great interview, and being called back for the background check, I'm not even going to clean up or tidy my cup full of hope. I'm just going to let it continue making a grand mess and push me through my day today and tomorrow. Today I have a show, hoping that it will be my last I rely on for income, and my first to look at as spending money. I realize hope is finicky at best, and two-faced at its worst, and should I not hear the news I hope for, I'll still keep that cup on my coffee table...overflowing...and alive. Today hope is a wonderful thing.