Day 359 & 358

Day 359

So Time had her way with me again yesterday. She snickered at me all day long. Ok maybe she didn't but I felt the need to be completely absorbed in something I enjoy all day versus looking at my situation and trying to figure it out. I needed yesterday to be a completely chill day for my sanity and for our Christmas's sake. I also patched up my cup of hope and slowly started to refill it yesterday..cleaned up the mess it left when it combusted and patched up the wounds it made on my heart. We have bits and pieces of a plan to get us through, so that's good. Still waiting on the paper to get mailed to my new job so I can start as soon as possible. Who knew SLED checks would take so long with all the amazing technology we have today? So yesterday came and went, and time sat quietly in her corner, allowing me some peace and quiet...some serenity....and some time to heal up a bit.

Day 358

Today I woke up in a panic. I thought Lil Man was late for school, hubby was late for work, and I was in a rush. Only to realize in my half dreamt haze that hubby was already at work and going to be coming home in a few hours, Lil Man was laying beside me, and they didn't leave me behind and rush off on me this morning. Oh yea, and then I realized it was Saturday and that Lil Man was already on winter break. I could safely go back to sleep as it was only FIVE AM! Oh, and by the way, that sleeping in until 8AM thing was a joke for those two days only, I was up at 7 with Lil Man as normal this whole week. Though I did realize something today in my scalding hot shower this morning...I've now migrated from being able to function off one cup of coffee a day, to needing two. Does this progressively become more as the days/weeks/months/years go on? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

My cup of hope is eyeing me from the coffee table as if to say, "When are you going to fill me up again?" I wish I knew the answer. I know they say the more you get your hopes up, the bigger the disappointment, but I guess today I just look back at my cup and ponder...It may be a while. Time has decided to be my friend today and let me heal up some more, and gratefulness is trying to make her presence known again, but like hope, I eye her wearily and wonder when she's going to get finnicky on me too. So trust abandoned me in the grand scheme of things, and now I'm just a bit gun shy. It will come back though. I know it will. I will survive, I will become stronger, and now I look at my cup of hope knowing that she'll be full again soon enough.